Dear My Postpartum Body

Dear My Postpartum Body,

Prior to pregnancy I never fully appreciated you.

Always wishing to lose more weight or go down a size (or two).

Never looked after my skin.

Didn’t drink enough water.

Barely ate fruit or freshly cooked meals.

Hardly ever got enough sleep.

Yet I expected you to run at 100% capacity.

I took you for granted for 26 years.

It wasn’t until I fell pregnant that my appreciation kicked in.

I nurtured you and started to respect you because you were enabling me to grow my bubba.

I was amazed at what my body could do.

I was in awe everyday my belly was getting bigger.

I didn’t focus on the number on the scales.

I was stoked to buy clothes from the maternity section.

I started looking after my skin.

Drank plenty of water and my husband cooked fresh healthy meals for us on the daily.

I was constantly working to perfect my sleeping patterns.

I was fueling my body with only the best, because I knew I had responsibility of another human - My unborn child.

Our journey to motherhood began way before we gave birth, I just hadn’t realised it yet.

For 26 weeks you grew my son and I’m grateful to have been fortunate enough to experience the joy of pregnancy along with all it's roller coaster of emotions.

I fully understand some women are not able to experience this journey at all for various reasons, so I do feel extremely lucky in that sense.

To feel life growing inside me.

To be graced with kicks and twinges.

Forever privileged with the embedded memory that replays over in my head of giving birth to my boy and that feeling afterwards when he was laid on my chest, realising in that exact moment that I could basically do anything.

When I came home from hospital after having Chayce, a whole new kind of relationship with you formed.

The first few weeks were hard.

I could barely look at you in the mirror.

I was terrified to see my non-pregnant self because Chayce was no longer there.

For a brief moment I hated you more than ever.

I felt like you had let me down.

It is a painful process trying to sync the brain, heart and body with understanding the cruel fact that we are left with a postpartum body but with no baby to hold or feed.

It took me a fair while to love you again.

To understand that this was not your fault and you did everything you were supposed to do plus way more than what reality should expect from any human.

You carried my child, you delivered my child, then you had to say goodbye too.

You become a mother.

You are and will forever be, missing a piece of you. You are on the very front line of this battle and you deserve every single bit of credit.

So how is it fair for me to hate you?

As the days go on, you are slowly returning to your new normal and I’m realising how lucky I am to have you. I'm learning to love the new 'us' in the next chapter of our lives.

All the horizontal and vertical lines, the whole lot.

So to my postpartum body, all 172 centimetres and however many kilograms of you - Thank you.

You honoured me with 6 months; 182 days of memories with my son and you will never know how grateful I am for that, but I will spend the rest of my life trying to show you.

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