Mothers Day - 09.05.2021

Trigger Warning: Baby loss, brief mention of living children

A big Happy Mothers Day to all the beautiful kick ass Mothers out there, no matter how you became a Mum, today is for you - however you chose to celebrate and acknowledge it, or not.

To those who are able to kiss their little ones goodnight and tuck them in.

To those who have to love their babies from afar.

To all the single mums doing their best and managing amazingly!

To those who play an important role as a step mother.

To those special mother in laws.

To the kind hearted foster & adoptive mums.

To all the grandmas who have helped raise their grandchildren, without a second thought.

To the mums currently expecting their bundle of joy.

And to the bereaved mums, like myself - who had to hand their precious baby back, say goodbye and let them fly.

Today for some, will just naturally be a beautiful day with their children/family.

However for some, who have children in heaven, today can be sad and overwhelming.

While this is my first ever Mother’s Day, today is also my first Mother’s Day as a bereaved mum and I feel like the lead up to today has been daunting. But I figure I could either choose to let my feelings keep me in bed all day crying that my son isn’t here (and trust me I could cry all day) knowing it won’t bring him back.

Or I can choose to live another day in his honour, doing something beautiful, seeing something amazing. Today can be beautiful, if I let it be.

Well that’s how I decided I’m going to tackle today.

I just wanted to share a childhood memory of mine for a minute, which I have only just recently re-discovered and have been replaying it over in my head the last few days becuase I find it comforting. I remember my dad would give me money to buy something for my mum and my nan at the Mothers Day Stall every year at school.

I would always find it so stressful to pick the most perfect gifts for them, pondering to the very last second.

In reality it wouldn’t have mattered what I picked, they would have loved it (or at least pretended to love it) because it came from me. That's the kind of unconditional love I was surrounded with.

Unfortunately, us bereaved mums will never get to experience this love and joy from our little angels.

All we can do is close our eyes and imagine what it would be like.

I’ve managed to even get it down to the exact gift I think Chayce would have picked for me at his first school Mothers Day stall in a few years time.

I always looked forward to becoming a mum so I could join mothers groups and make life long friends.

It’s not for everyone but I was keen to experience it.

I always imagined I’d be the volunteer mum that would help out in the school canteen and would happily run around taking my kid to footy, cricket, dance, karate training. Whatever they were interested in. I’d be there with bells on. Proud as punch. waiting on the sideline making sure they have drank enough water.

Then I lost Chayce, and all those hopes shattered around me.

I got ripped off. I felt robbed.

I wasn’t sure I would ever get the opportunity to be the mum I always wanted to be.

I have to remind myself that I’m still a mother.

And maybe one day I’ll be blessed with another little legend that will get to stay with me.

Anyway, I’m thinking of you all today. No matter your situation.

I would just like to take this moment to say a few words to the beautiful mums in my life; 👩‍👧Happy Mother’s Day to my mum, Debbie.

The backbone of our family.

The one who made me who I am.

Where I get my strength, determination and voice from.

The one who taught me right from wrong.

The one who will always encourage me to look at my actions before anyone else’s but to stand up for myself when I felt it was necessary.

The one who over the years, taught me the art of perspective.

Mum, you have made me a better person and I will never be able to thank you enough for everything you have done and continue to do for me.

I only now understand this look my mum is giving me on my wedding day. It's the look of complete and utter love as its spewing out of her body.

😇Happy Mothers Day to my mother in law in heaven, Barbara.

I never got the privilege of meeting you but you raised your son who became my husband and the father of my child and I will forever be grateful to you for instilling such strong morals and family values into his upbringing. I wish I could give you a big cuddle to thank you for all that you taught him.

I know in my heart, you would have found your way to your grandson and I find it comforting to know that Chayce is with you. Give him a kiss for me.

My beautiful Mother in law. What a wonderful Mother you were to your boys.

✨Happy Mothers Day to Mark's step mum - Mandy.

Thank you for everything you continue to do for the Phillipps-Lewis crew.

You are always there to pick up the pieces.

You want nothing but the best for everyone.

Your heart is made out of gold. Your love, support and guidance never goes unnoticed and we appreciate everything you do!

My beautiful other Mother in Law. We love you!

🕊 Happy Mothers Day to me - Today is also my first Mothers Day.

I never would have imagined I would be spending today without my child in my arms, little own any other day for the rest of my life, to be perfectly honest.

Regardless, I will celebrate the fact I carried, grew and birthed my child and for all the lessons I’ve learnt in motherhood along the way, thus far.

I may not get to actively mother, but let me tell you, once you see their little heart beat ticking away on that screen, the motherly instincts never leave you from that moment onward.

So that’s what I’m celebrating today - I’m celebrating Chayce and the fact he made me a Mother and nothing can take that away from me. Not even the fact he isn’t here to celebrate it with me.

Love you Chayce.

My darling son and I

👵For my family, today is also a special day for another reason.

Today marks three years since my nan left this world.

My darling nanna - Dawn.

You loved and raised me as one of your own.

I’ve never met anyone more biased than you.

I miss getting frustrated after having to repeat myself quiet literally 100 times.

I miss jumping into bed and just laughing with you.

I will always be impressed with your ability to worry about absolutely everything. Maybe that’s where I get it from.

Miss you nan.

You have missed out on way too much that you would be so proud of, but I know Chayce is sitting in your lap, soaking up all that love you have to give.

Until it’s my time to make my way up to you, please keep looking after each other.

You were right there with me on my wedding day , Nan - Just like you always wanted.

If I could sum today up into just one word, it would have to be; delicate.