Today.. a year ago

Today, a year ago.. was your due date.

How has it been one whole year?

Where has that time gone?

How have we made it this far without you?

Could today have been your birthday if things were different? Why am I writing this instead of planning a birthday party for you?

I have so many questions, that don’t have answers.

This date, last year, we were supposed to be welcoming you into the world.

But much to our surprise.. we had just found out we were pregnant with your little sister, Tilly.

We had also just been given the news about your fatal diagnosis.

Talk about mixed emotions..

Gosh, life has a cruel way of 'working out' sometimes.

I miss you so much, yet cant imagine life without your sister.

What I wouldn't give to have you both here in my arms.

A photo of the two of you together.

A cuddle from you both.

Instead, I have Tilly on my hip and your footprint tattooed on my skin.

I never really believed in much, if I'm being honest.

I didn't know what to believe in, so I was a sceptic about everything.

If I couldn't see it, I didn't believe it, even though I wanted to.

But now, I believe in a lot of different things that cant be seen or proven.

My mind has accepted that things are not always as they seem.

Believing, helps me get by - Eases the pain just a little.

I like to believe that you sent Tilly down for us to love and cherish, because you knew how much we needed her. You knew how much we were hurting, and that her cheeky smile and adorable laugh, would help mend our broken hearts.

Truth is kid, the hole you left in my heart will never be fixed or repaired. No matter what.

But you sure did a good job in trying.

You made me believe in things I wouldn't dare imagine before.

You opened my mind up to all the opportunities I never would have taken,

You made my eyes see things I wouldn't have otherwise,

You opened my heart wider to love harder,

You helped me to never want to take another day for granted again.

You changed me.

You made me grow.

You made me a better, more understanding, more patient, more forgiving, more compassionate, a nicer, more ’in the moment’ type of human being.

A year ago today, you were expected to be born into this world.

And whilst I am forever grateful for all you have taught me from the sky, I wish you could be here Earthside to see the impact you have made on everyone that loves you.

If only you were here today.

My heart will always ache for you.

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