Your Would-Be Due Date

Today is the 01.04.2021 and we were expecting you to arrive today.

Today is your expected due date (EDD), or as I call it.. your 'would-be due date'.

I’m not going to beat around the bush, today is a hard day. It f***ing sucks to put it bluntly.

Today solidifies all the things you will miss out on. All the things we miss out on too.

Today should have been the best day of our lives filled with so much joy (after the pain of labour of course).

Today should have been what I had always dreamed of, but instead I'm broken in places I never knew you could be broken, and I cannot stop missing you.

We had been counting down this day since we found out you were on the way and for some unknown reason, the organiser in me even popped the life changing event in my calendar, (like I could forget) and accidentally came across it the other day, which was just another cruel reminder that life will never be the same.

My hospital bag would have been packed ages ago and ready to go at any moment.

The final touches on your nursery would be complete.

I would have been the size of a house waddling my way through the hospital.

We should be on our way to meeting you today - To give birth to you.

Our loved ones should be anxiously waiting for us to announce your safe arrival.

It should be our proud moment as doting parents, to introduce you and welcome you into the world, to show you off to everyone and to celebrate you.

Instead you were born over 3 months ago now, too beautiful for Earth.

And we have to live without you here, for reasons I'll never understand nor accept.

As your parents, we had to opt to do the unthinkable. We took on all the pain, so that you didn't have to suffer.

We closed the door to your nursery when we got home from hospital on Christmas Day and haven’t stepped foot back in there since. It even feels wrong being in the house, knowing you'll never come home.

All the things we had planned for you.

All the images I had in my head about how our house would look with you in it, how it would feel to bring you up in our family home. The home we strategically bought for our future family.

We now have to live in an empty house with empty arms. The nightmare will never end.

Nothing about your ill health was expected.

Nothing could have ever prepared us for your loss.

Now I’m sitting here wondering what colour your eyes would of been and whether you would have mine or your dads personality.

We didn’t get to meet you the way I had anticipated, but I do know that I love you as much, if not more than I expected to.

Today is your

should be,

would be,

but not to be,

due date.